Jokes..................

[Thommo]

Just another way to stop getting so damn bored. I'll go first even though according to some I must be to old to remember any..................


TWO BLONDS IN HEAVEN.....

Two women were new arrivals at the pearly gates and were comparing stories on how they died.

1st Women: "I Froze to Death "

2nd Women; " How horrible !"

1st woman "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you ?"

2nd Woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my Husband of cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. but instead, I found him all by himself in the bar watching T.V "

1st Woman; "So what happened?"

2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking for her. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up untill I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over and died."

1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the Beer freezer, we'd both be alive"

[Stido]

Here's just another reason for you to get that still up & runnin ol' fella (did you get my latest pic).

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each
day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli bacteria found in faeces, in other words, we are
consuming 1 kilo of ****.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, whiskey, beer or
other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process
of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking
water, to stop doing so, it has been scientifically proven that it is
unhealthy and bad for you.

Water = ****
Alcohol = health

Free yourself of ****, drink alcohol!!! It is better to drink alcohol
and talk **** than to drink water and be full of ****! :thumbright: :drunken:

[Thommo]

Well done stido...........and no I didn't get the pic.
I have a new email though and have had trouble updating my profile, I sent an sos to the admin crew and am waiting...........but here is the new email brandyjack@optusnet.com.au

Now all I need to do is remember another joke.................damn I hate gettin old.........will be back soon...........

[leesee]

im sure we've all heard this one a million times, but it's still hilarious. even funnier was the person who told me.

the aboriginals invented kung fu. one night, one of the elders was sitting 'round the fire cooking tea. one of the pikkininnis threw a thong and it hit her in the head. she turned around and said 'hey...which kung fu dat?'

[RHINO]

oldy but a goody lees

one of the best yet most stupid ones i have ever heard

Two sausages were sitting in a pan, one goes to the other "**** its hot in here" the other goes 'Ahhhh! a talking sausage"

[Thommo]

Talking sausage !!!! Is it any wonder Man invented alchohol ???

Keep up the good work GCCK................I think :scratch:

[Stido]

Got the still photo yet Thommo? I resent it.

[leesee]

now, i'm not racist, but this joke comes to mind ALL the time.

an aboriginal man named jacky jacky walks into a bar with only one thong on. the bartender says 'mate, did you lose a thong?'. jacky jacky says 'nah...i found one'

[Thommo]

A fishing/hunting trip in Ayr !!

One fine Saturday morn, Stido and Milligna, after a heavy night draining the contents of a fresh still batch and discussing the possibility of stido finally landing a Barramundi,( or any fish larger than 30cm for that matter), and Milligna's need to fill his penchant for roast scrub turkey( just check out his shirt size), they hook up the "River rat" throw in their gear, and the dog, and take off !!

1 min into the journey and with both men frantically bailling water it was discovered that neither had put the the drain plug back in before launch,
a quick decision was made for the heavier of the two men, Milligna, to jump out and drag the rat to safety, so they could then drain it and replace the plug and start again.

30 mins later, after working out which way the round plug went into the round hole they head off and decide to collect some bait..............
After about an hour of collecting live yabbies they discover that perhaps one of them should have bought a bucket along to put them in. It seems they were sucking up the same 6 yabbies time after time. This was discovered when one of the gents checked to see how many they had in the stubby cooler and realized it was one without a bottom. 2 hours later after they had about 24 yabbies in an Akubra they packed up the pumps and decided to try for some live mullett.

After casting the bait net around for an hour without any luck and getting ****ed off with untangling the net from the outboard, the roof, the rods, the dog and themselves the idea was given up as a bad joke and mental notes for the next trip recorded as follows......" Must remember to buy a proper cast net from a tackle shop and burn stidos home made job "....and also that 6 inch drag nets don't make good cast nets for small fish..........and buy extra frozen bait just incase.

With the yabbies slowly dieing and the frozen bait slowly thawing out they made their way about 400m up river untill they hit a bend. At this stage the dog abandons ship, heads for the bank and takes off around the bend till he is out of sight. About a minute later With the 2 Men still scratching their heads, the dog returns to the Rat rolls over onto his back and sticks 2 legs up into the air. With this both men are totally confused and Milligna loads up the Scatter Gun(SG9) just in case and they continue cautiously around the bend. To their amazement, sitting on a small sandy beach are 2 nice scrub turkeys. In the following panic Milligna successfully manages to let off a shot which blows the top of stidos rod and clean misses the turkeys.......Bugger says stido, maybe next time you should ask the dog to get ya one.......

They settle for a spot of fishing, and with the rod count now down to 1 and a half plus 2 hand lines fitted with 300m of 3kg line and a single 1/0 hook they begin the search for the illusive Barra. The idea of dropping in the crab pots was abandoned when it was discovered that the dog had eaten their lunch and that neither had thought to bring crab pot bait.....
After an hour of slow drinking and not one bite it was decided that they should try another location and that next time maybe they should put a bait on the hook.........

Once again as they approach a bend in the river, the dog abandons ship and races off out of sight. With this stido quickly hides his rod and ducks for cover as Milligna loads both barrells this time and drools in anticipation...........The dog returns, rolls over again and points three legs straight up into the air. **** says Milligna, 2 barrells, 3 birds, I've gotta hit one this time.........and BAM...water sprays everywhere, the cover on the boat colapses and bugger it, all 3 turkeys head off into the scrub totally unharmed. Damn it must be the sights are crook on this thing says Milligna
next time I'll aim higher. And with stido shakely pouring bourbon into his glass, which is finally discarded and replaced with the whole bottle, they head off again.

Fishing was again attempted, with bait this time( albiet dead yabbies), and at last they achieve success, 1x 30cm bream !!! oddly enough it is peppered with holes which look like shot gun holes, but this is dismissed quickly as these blokes are far to good at fishing/hunting for that to happen. With the fish in the esky, which also contains no trace of Ice, it is decided that the fish here must be diseased some how and they choose to move to better grounds.

And yes once again as they approach a bend in the river, out goes the dog. This time he returns to find stido under the esky, and proceeds to roll over and shoot all five legs straight into the air......Well says Milligna this time we are home 4 and 1/2 turkeys...get the esky ready stido !!! and with this they slowly motor around the corner to find 4 turkeys....Whats with the count dog ! says Milligna you had ur stump up as well !!! to which the dog stands and points towards a wet backed female dingo standing on the bank opposite the turkeys
............BOOM...and yes finally success, well half a turkey is better than none right says Milligna, and look we don't need to pluck it !!

At this stage a visably shaken stido embarks on emptying another bottle of bourbon and decides to can the fishing....Milligna however decides, that half a turkey isn't enough, he wants a whole turkey and they slowly head of up stream....wiith all eyes locked on the dog....they hit a bend and out goes the dog....at this stage stido is frantically trying to climb into the esky and Milligna is counting the spare rounds stacked up beside him.
This time the dog returns to find stido running into the scrub.......the dog then jumps into the boat holding a stick in his mouth and starts to pump vigorously at Millignas leg......What the F##k...says Milligna...has he been watching ur home movies stido ??...what the hell is he sayin !!....and they drift slowly around the bend.....the dog at this stage also bails out and heads back after stido and they both hide and listen as the impending world war nears......."I got it stido...I know what the dog was saying.....

BAM...BAM...BOOM...BOOM.............

Water,smoke & Feathers and bits of boat and bird
.................. and clothes filled the air............

and as they slowly walk back towards the boat ramp, and after stido picks up a 70cm Barra mysteriously floating near the bank, full of those strange little holes, he plucks up the courage to ask what the dog saw..........

Well says Milligna, shifting the weight of 1 full sized turkey from one shoulder to the other, when I got round the bend I slid under an overhanging tree and into a pond...................

And there was more fu##in turkeys than you could poke a stick at !!!!

[Thommo]

Yeah stido, I got it and it does look awsome..........mines slowly comin round, Xmas is gonna beat it though.

[Roo]

My Uncle has just been diagnosed with Parkinsons disease.

He can't stop interviewing people! (rim shot please)

*************

A horse walks into a bar the barman say's why the long face
(I know you know that one, but it's there for a reason)

*************

A grasshopper hops into a bar, and asks the barman for a beer. The barman says "we have a drink named after you" and the grasshopper says "what? you have a drink named Kevin?

***************

A seal walks into a club (boom boom)

***************

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

***************

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

****************

A horse, a seal and a kangaroo walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

****************

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

*****************

What do you call a bear with no ear?
....a B

*******************

What do you call a deer with one eye?
No idea

**********************

What do you call a deer with one eye having sex?
fu*king no idea

***********************

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hiding in long grass?
Russell

************************

Who's the biggest fu*kwit in Australia?
Russell Crowe (not a joke but more an observation)

*************************

A man with no arms and legs in a swimming pool?
Bob

*************************

What do you call a spanish guy who had his vehicle stolen?
Carlos

*************************

Merry Xmas all :santa:

[nq_gurl]

a deer with no eyes and no legs ..... STILL no idea!!!

[The_Darkhorse]

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplow?

Give her a shovel.

[nq_gurl]

not even the slightest bit funny!

[The_Darkhorse]

hahahah that makes it even funnier

[leesee]

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplow?

Give her a shovel.

that is hilarious. i think sexist jokes are funny

[Thommo]

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplow?

Give her a shovel.

Funniest one so far.............! Keep 'em comin Darkhorse.

[Yayarg002]

What Men Really Mean


Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass

I'm a Romantic = I'm poor

I need you" = My hand is tired

I am different from all the other guys = I am not circumcised

I want a commitment = I'm sick of masturbation

You're the only girl I've ever cared about = You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me

I really want to get to know you better = So I can tell my friends about it

It's just orange juice, try it = 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head

he's kinda cute = I want to have sex with her till I am blue

I don't know if I like her = She won't sleep with me

I miss you so much = I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good

Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood

How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small

I had a wonderful time last night = Who the hell are you

o you love me? = I've done something stupid and you might find out

Do you 'really' love me? = I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later

How much do you love me? = I've done something really stupid and someone's on his/her way to tell you about it now

I have something to tell you = Get tested

I'll give you a call = I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again

I've been thinking a lot = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk

I think we should just be friends = You're ugly

I've learned a lot from you = Next

[Yayarg002]

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[Yayarg002]

heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.

[Yayarg002]

Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the **** out the underpants.

[Yayarg002]

If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?

[The_Darkhorse]

Why don't women need watches?
There's a clock on the stove.

-------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
---------------------------------------------------
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?
----------------------------------------

[nq_gurl]

Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the **** out the underpants.

:thumbright:

[RHINO]

probably the most sexist joke in existence

What is worser then a make sexist chovanist pig??

A bitch that doesnt do wat she is told

thank u, thank u, ill be here all week

[leesee]

my mate jacko's good for a few...

what do you do when your wife sits down to watch the footy with you?
shorten the chain

why did the woman cross the road?
more to the point, what was she doing out of the kitchen.

[The_Darkhorse]

Why do women have such small feet?
So they can get in closer to the kitchen cupboard.

[The_Darkhorse]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunatly, the saloon’s regulars had a habit of picking on strangers. When the cowboy finished his drink he went out to his horse. Not to his suprise his horse wasnt there. He went back in, handily flipped his gun in the air, caught it, and shouted loudly, "All right, I’m gonna get another drink, and by the time I go back out, I want my horse to be there or I’m gonna be forced to do what I did in Texas!" The cowboy, true to his word, had a beer and walked outside to find that his horse was there. The bartender walked out with him and said tenativley, "Say, partner. Before you go, can I ask what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned and said, "I had to walk home."

[The_Darkhorse]

WHY ARE ALL COWGIRLS BOWLEGGED?
......CAUSE COWBOYS ALWAYS EAT WITH THERE HATS ON.

[The_Darkhorse]

why has there never been a woman on the moon ?

Cause it doesn't need cleaning yet.

[Stido]

You sure you haven't been fishin with me yet Thommo? :scratch: Sounds all too familiar! Luv the story. :thumbright:

Sorry I didn't reply earlier, had my niece & nephew here for a week for school hols. So I've been a kid for a week, gotta luv it. But time for me to move back into the adult world again, bugger. :pale: As much as I can anyway. Their parents reckon I'm a bad influence. But that can't be true. Could it? :silent:

[Yayarg002]

I Don't Think So!


Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.

Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.

"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don't fix it the food will go bad." Kate said.

Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don't think so."

A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it's out."

"Who do I look like an electrician, I don't think so, " Paul says.

A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it."

Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don't think so."

Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.

He decides to go to a bar down the road.

After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.

He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.

He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.

He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.

Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this."

She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch.

A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.

He fixed everything.

I asked him what I could do for payment.

He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."

Paul says, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don't think so!"

[Stido]

A beautiful, well endowed, young lady went to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looked about the store, she noticed a box full of frogs. The sign said: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions." The girl excitedly looked around to see if anybody was watching her and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nodded, grabbed the box, and quickly went home. As soon as she closed the door to her apartment, she read the instructions thoroughly and carefully.

Then she followed the instructions to the letter:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice-smelling perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog in the bed.

She quickly got into bed with the frog. To her surprise, nothing happened. The girl was totally frustrated and quite upset. She reread the instructions and noticed that, at the bottom of the page, there was a note. It said, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the lady called the pet store The man said, "I had some other complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."

Within five minutes, the man was ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomed him and said, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picked up the frog, stared directly into its eyes, and sternly said "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time."

There's only a couple left if anyone is interested in one. Just drop me a line. :joker:

[Yayarg002]

Sex Change Joke


John (now Jean) is walking down the street after a sex-change operation has transformed him into a beautiful women.

His old friend Pete sees him and says, "John, you look great...you're beautiful!"

John says, "Thanks...but holy Christ, did it hurt."

Pete says, "When they cut open your chest and put in those implants?"

John says, "No, that didn't really hurt."

Pete says, "When they cut off your dick and dug out a vagina?"

John says, "No, that didn't really hurt."

Pete says, "Then what did hurt?"

John says, "When the doctor drilled a ****ing hole in my head and sucked out half my brain."

[Yayarg002]

Blood Bar


Three Vampires walk into a bar and sit down.

The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink
1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood
2nd Vampire: I want a double shot
3rd Vampire: All I want is a cup of hot water

So the bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused.

The bartender asked the 3rd vampire why didn't you order any blood the vampire pulls out a tampon and replies "I'm making tea".

[Stido]

A huge muscular man named Thommo walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.

The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"

Thommo nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No ****?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."

"Keep going!"

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have three wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger."

She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwords, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"

[nq_gurl]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.- Martin, age 10 - damn straight!

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.- Craig, age 9 - more exciting than using the 'rejection line' offered by MIX106.3

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(9) When they're rich.- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7

(3 ) The rule goes like this:If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. Howard,age 8 - god i hop not!!!

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.- Ricky, age 10

[The_Darkhorse]

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...

[The_Darkhorse]

Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff

Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath

[leesee]

this one always makes me laugh when my blood alcohol content is almost metho...
what's red and looks like a bucket?
a red bucket

[leesee]

Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff

Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[The_Darkhorse]

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?
Lipstick

[nq_gurl]

this one always makes me laugh when my blood alcohol content is almost metho...
what's red and looks like a bucket?
a red bucket

a lot like - whats brown and sticky?
a stick!!!

when im already in an absolute FIT of laughter, my grandfather (and now my dad does) used to just hold one finger in front of me ... stuffed if i know what he was doing but it always succeeded in making me laugh harder. doesnt take much for me to laugh tho :tongue:

[The_Darkhorse]

Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

[The_Darkhorse]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $5.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes" she purrs "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your ****ing hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

[leesee]

a prostitute meets a koala in a pub one night. after a few drinks, the koala and the pro decide to go back to her place and hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.
the next morning the koala rouses, gets dressed and tries to leave. the pro tells him, i'm a prostitute, and seeing as we had sex you need to pay me. the koala gives her a vacant look and she procedes to get the dictionary and show him the meaning of what she said.
at this, the koala grabs the dictionary, finds koala and shows her the meaning.
'koala; a small furry marsupial who eats bush and leaves'

[nq_gurl]

panda - eats roots and leaves

[leesee]

man - eats, roots, and leaves

[nq_gurl]

thats about it leesee

[The_Darkhorse]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

[leesee]

hell yes NQ. easy creatures to understand really.
oi, when you come down for round 1, let's hit the valley. i'll take you on a guided tour of the place. just don't go to the wickham or the beat

[nq_gurl]

come down for round 1? not me mate ... sorry

[leesee]

come down for round 1? not me mate ... sorry

ah ****. i thought you were. dont ask me where i got that from.

[leesee]

um...another joke...

[nq_gurl]

lol - never mind

[leesee]

how many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
none. let the b*tch cook in the dark

[The_Darkhorse]

Q. What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windscreen?
A. It's arse!

[Thommo]

This thread just keeps gettin better and better, :notworthy: lol, Keep them comin guys.

And Stido, very funny OLD mate !!!

[leesee]

Shazza goes into Centrelink in Melton ......

"How many children?" asks the Centrelink worker "10" replies Shazza.

"10???" says the Centrelink worker."What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?" asks the Centerlink Worker.

"Naah..." says Shazza "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAAAYNE, YA DINNER'S READY or WAAAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Centrelink worker.

"That's easy," says Shazza... "I just use their surnames"

[Yayarg002]

Why God Invented Menopause

With new fertility technology, a 65 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother, "Soon."

Thirty minutes passed and another relative asked, May we see the new baby now?"

"Not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No," replied the mother.

Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"When it cries," she told them.

"When it cries? Why do we have to wait until it cries?"

"Because, I forgot where I put it." >

[Yayarg002]

Only in Australia

Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance

Only in Australia ... is "you awake?" the standard concept of foreplay

Only in Australia ... do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their Panadol's etc while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front

Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries... and a Diet Coke

Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open, have no armed guards and chain the pens to the counter

Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway, and store our junk in the garage

Only in Australia ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place

Only in Australia ... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process of Government. "Poli" (poly) in Latin meaning "many" and, tics" meaning blood sucking creatures"

Only in Australia ... do we live by the saying "you're never too ****ed if you can still find the floor"

[Yayarg002]

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it

[Yayarg002]

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing

[Yayarg002]

God must love stupid people, he made so many

[Stido]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Fleming for advice about enlarging her breasts. He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower, rub your breast and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew great boobs!.

One morning, she was running late and when she was on the bus, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point, she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up, right in the middle of the bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Fleming by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" He leaned toward her, winked, and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..." :cheers:

[Stido]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Scots's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.

Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers,woman!"

She replies, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

He reaches into his pocket and says, Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy/ yourself some!"

Lastly, the Irishman's wife bends over.

The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

Sweet mudder of Jesus,and all that's sacred woman! Where the feck are yer knickers?"

She too explains, "You don't give me enough money to buy new feckin knickers."

The Irishman reaches into his pocket and says,

Well, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit will ya!"

[The_Darkhorse]

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

[Yayarg002]

The Blondes Revenge

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up... you're next!"

[The_Darkhorse]

I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.


I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 90 KPH by the end of my driveway.


I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.


I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window..


And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.


I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.

[Stido]

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are!
Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you!
You've already got the neck and the GIBLETS !!

[leesee]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all applied for a job. All three were successful enough to advance to the interview round.
The boss interviewed the brunette first. After her series of the usual interview type questions, the boss asked her 'And for your final question today, 'How many 'D's are in Indiana Jones?'. The brunette answered '1'.
The boss next interviewed the redhead. She too was asked the same questions and was finally asked 'How many 'D's are in Indiana Jones?'. The redhead answers '1' wihtout hesitation.
Finally, the blonde goes in for her interview. At the completion of her questions, the boss asks how many D's are in Indiana Jones. She pauses, vacantly stares at the ceiling and then begins to count on her hands. She answers '36', at which the boss asks 'How the hell did you get that?'. The blinde answers 'Duh duh duh dah, duh duh dah. Duh duh duh dah, duh duh dah dah dah'.

[Bomber]

"Your majesty, please make Australia a kingdom, and let be be the king."

"Mr Howard, I'll make Australia a country, and you can remain what you are."

[leesee]

good old kevin bloody wislon.
the skit was with paul keating and the queen. he wanted australia to be a kingdom, or a municipality, but he did not have the power to be leader of these. so she left australia as a country

[Yayarg002]

Reply from Santa

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.

The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.

The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird Poo.

On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.

Maybe next year I will be able to get my act together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Kmart before everything is gone.

[nq_gurl]

and it seems someone has nicked his 5 golden rings!

[Stido]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

[Thommo]

Thats not your missus and her sister is it Stido ??? LOL

[Thommo]

How about some "Definition" jokes...........

What's the definition of Indecent ??

If it's hard enough, long enough and in far enough.....It's Indecent !!

[Yayarg002]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[Yayarg002]

At Sydney University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "HD" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before, they decided to go down to Canberra and party with some friends there.

They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Sydney until early Monday morning - the morning of their final exam! Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor AFTER the exam and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Canberra to do some research in the ANU archives for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tyre on the way back, and got stuck waiting for help to arrive. As a result, they only just arrived now!

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet (which was out of 100 points) and told them to begin.

The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they all thought in their separate rooms, this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

Question 2 for 95 points: Which tyre?

[Yayarg002]

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wondering was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 AM Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times!"

[Yayarg002]

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

[Stido]

Thats not your missus and her sister is it Stido ??? LOL

Could very well be.

[Stido]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they blew right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh ****! Am I driving?"

[Stido]

Now for something more serious. Take special note of this Thommo.

Some intelligent investment advice.......

In 2001 if you had bought $1000.00 of One-Tel stock, it would now be worth about $9.00 to you as an unsecured creditor, if you are lucky.

In 2002 if you had bought HIH stock, you would have about $6.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

In 2003 if you had gone overseas and bought ENRON you would have less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer only one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminium recycling price, you would have $24.00.

Based on the above, the best investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

[Thommo]

Fair Dinkum Sido, I thought you would have worked that one out 20 years ago.............and you could have 2 x Cartons for $ 24.00 back then !!

[RHINO]

2 cartons for $24, wouldnt be a lecture i would have shown up top sober last semester

[Stido]

Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."
Paw says, "All right, Maw."
Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."
Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"
Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!"
Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."
Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW!
Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"
Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"

[Stido]

I'm surprised Thommo hasn't told us about his last golf outing.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit Thommo, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to Thommo and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," Thommo replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?" Thommo replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[Thommo]

Lol Stido, and you'll keep !

The Bist Kiwi Joke.............................

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4.am by the phone.
" Hillen it's the Hilth munister here, sorry to bother you at thus hour of the morning but we have an emergency ! I've jist recieved word that the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."
PM " SHUT - the economy wull niver never be able to cope with all those new babies, wi'll be ruined !"

Hilth Munister " We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad...Brutain?"

PM "No chence !, the Poms will have a field day on thus one"

Hilth Munister " What about Australia? "

PM "Maybe, but we don't want them to know we are stuck"

Hilth Munister " You call John Howard, and till hum we need one moollion condoms, tin enchus long and eight unches thuck, that way they'll know how bug the Kiwi's really are !"

Hillen calls John who agrees to help out in their hour of need.

3 Days later a van arrives in Auckland- full of boxes.

A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes, she finds condoms 8 enchus long end 8 enchus thuck, all coloured Green and Gold, she then notices in small writing on each and ivery one........



MADE IN AUSTRALIA SIZE : SMALL.

Aussie aussie aussie.......Oi Oi Oi.......

[RHINO]

Kiwi is driving long and sees an eskimo on the side of the road with car problems so he stops to help. The kiwi has a look and says "I think u've blown a seal", the eskimo replies "So wat, u f*&k sheep"

[Thommo]

That's Gold GCCK ! LoL

[T-MAN]

Kiwi is driving long and sees an eskimo on the side of the road with car problems so he stops to help. The kiwi has a look and says "I think u've blown a seal", the eskimo replies "So wat, u f*&k sheep"


Sick man.

[Stido]

A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first from Canada, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second, from New Zealand, says My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one from Australia says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

The Australian got the job...

[Thommo]

A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first from Canada, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second, from New Zealand, says My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one from Australia says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

and Stido should have added..." ...and wheres the bag of flour to find the wet spot ?"

The Australian ( From Ayr ) got the job...

[Bomber]

Have you ever wondered why there is an angel at the top of every christmas tree? Read on...

It was the evening before Christmas. With a big day of travel ahead of him, Santa went to bed early. Before he went to sleep, he made sure that the elves were finishing preparations with all the christmas presents, asked Mrs Claus to pack his lunchbox for the journey, and set his alarm for 2:00 the next morning.

Overnight, there was a power cut at the North Pole.

When Santa finally woke at 6:00am, he exploded into rage. Mrs Claus fell asleep in front of the television and forgot to make his lunch. The elves were rolling drunk on the floor in the factory, and all the reindeers had escaped from the holding pens.

At that moment, with Santa's face matching his red suit, an angel walked by with a christmas tree on her back. "Where would you like me to take this christmas tree, Santa Claus?" she asked.

....and that's why there's an angel at the top of every Christmas tree.

[Stido]

It's a little known fact that Thommo once worked as a Bear Remover

A man woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looked in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He called the number, and Thommo, the bear remover said he'd be over in 30 minutes.

Thommo arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asked?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asked the homeowner.

Thommo answered, "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

[Thommo]

LOL Stido, and I have a reply on the drawing board !!!

[Stido]

A middle aged business man coincidently named Thommo (again) met a beautiful young large breasted girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for the agreed price of $500.00.

So they did in fact spend the night together, certainly enjoying the reasons for doing so. In the morning, before old Thommo left, he told the very sexy young girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."

On the way to the office that morning, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price agreed. So, he decided to send a cheque for $250.00 and enclosed a note: Dear Madam: Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied.
2. There was plenty of heat available.
3. It was small enough to make me cosy and feel like I was at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply: Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord. I will expect full payment due immediately or I will be forced to hire someone to remove your furniture.

[nq_gurl]

lol at your latest one stido.

[Thommo]

Bloody Hell................I'm waving the white flag............

LOL Stido !!

[Stido]

Bloody Hell................I'm waving the white flag............

LOL Stido !!

Hahahahaha, all in good fun Thommo. :tongue:

I got another one for you.

A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.

She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor named (you guessed it) Thommo saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning,and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy,and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?

Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, Thommo the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on,every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away" she explained

"I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "this is the Manly Ferry. "

[Thommo]

Stido was standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store and was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said,
" Hello !"
Her face was beaming. He gave her that " who are you" look, and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figuered she made a mistake and apologized. " Look," she said, "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the Father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
Stido was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children !" Then he got a little panicky.
" I don't remember her," he thought, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to, perhaps he did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked,
" Are you the girl I met at a party, and we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. " I'm your son's second grade teacher !"

[Stido]

lol Thommo. :thumbright:

[Yayarg]

The blow job frog

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman exclaimed.

"It hasn't been proven," said the clerk, "but we've sold 30 of them this month."

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and if it was true... no more blowjobs for her!

She bought the frog.

When she got home she explained froggy's ability to her husband. He was extremely skeptical and laughed it off.

The woman went to bed, leaving the frog with her husband. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing?" she screamed.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're gone.

[Yayarg]

What kind of sex do you have?

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

DISAPPOINTING SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. <

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

NO SEX:
A husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said to his wife: "This will make you happy tonight."

When he went out of the bedroom, the wife squirted the jelly all over the doorknobs... He couldn't get back in.

[Stido]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "but I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be"

Sound like anyone you know leesee?

[Yayarg]

THE MOST OFFENSIVE WORLD RECORDS

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.

ZITS
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1 inch.

WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'C*nt Pump'.

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American who, produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.

[The_Darkhorse]

MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.

My brother has it all over that bloke without even trying

[Yayarg]

MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.

My brother has it all over that bloke without even trying

I am sure he is very proud as well.

[Stido]

After days in the wilderness Paddy and Mick stumble into a bar in the wild west and ask for two beers. Unfortunately they've got no money and the barman won't give them credit. Just then a bloke walks in with a Red Indian's head under his arm. The barman shakes his head and says, " I hate Indians. Last week the b*stards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my wife and killed my children. If any man brings me the head of a Red Indian I will give them 1,000 dollars."

The two Irishmen look at each other and then go off to find a Red Indian. Later that day they see one, and Mick throws a stone which its the Red Indian on the head. The Indian falls off his horse but lands 70ft down a ravine. Paddy and Mick dash down into the ravine where Paddy starts sawing the Indian's head off.

Suddenly Mick says, " Paddy look at this...."

Paddy says, " in a minute"

"No, look at this...., " says Mick.

"No, can't ya see I'm fookin busy....."

Mick grabs hold of him and Paddy looks up and sees 5,000 Indians standing at the top of the ravine.

"Fook me," says Paddy, "we're gonna be millionaires."

[Yayarg]

Customer Returns

She goes into K-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" !

She explains the situation with the toaster.

He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are saying you that?"

In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!

[Stido]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that??"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture".

"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman.

In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, private health cover"

That is why you need Private Health Insurance. Otherwise it's often self service in public hospitals. Trust me I've spent enough time in them. :pale:

[Yayarg]

Scared Drunk

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,"What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down, replied:

"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

[Stido]

In Thommo's nursing home one evening. An old man looked over and said to an old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still said nothing, but after a couple minutes, she started digging down in her purse. She pulled out a wrinkled $20 bill and held it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," said the old man.

"Get serious," she replied. "Four times in the rocking chair".

[Thommo]

In Thommo's nursing home one evening. An old man looked over and said to an old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still said nothing, but after a couple minutes, she started digging down in her purse. She pulled out a wrinkled $20 bill and held it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," said the old man.



"Get serious," she replied. "Four times in the rocking chair".


Is it any wonder you spend so much time in Hospitals Stido...Old Man !

[Yayarg]

Drilling Holes

A woman is standing in line at the pearly gates talking to St. Peter when she hears an awful scream. "What was that!?" she asks.

"Oh don't worry," St. Peter replies, "That was the person before you getting the holes drilled in their back for their wings."

"Ouch," she blurts.

Again she hears another ear-shattering scream. "Now what was that?" she inquires.

St. Peter responds, "The same person was getting holes drilled in their head for a halo."

Terrified the woman looks St. Peter in the eyes and says, "I think I'd rather go to hell."

He responds, "No, no you don't want to do that, you'll be raped and sodomized there!"

The woman pauses and replies, "Well, at least I already have the holes for that!"

[Stido]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster".

He takes her hand and says "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..... he said with a deep sigh "............let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

[Thommo]

LOL Stido !

[Yayarg]

Breast Implants

A couple had been married for several years when suddenly the wife decides she'd like to have breast implants.

The husband says, "Now, honey, you know we can't afford that kind of thing right now."

"But I see you looking at other women," pleaded his wife, "and I want to be as attractive as they are to you."

Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife, "Honey, I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, then rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time."

"You think that'll make my breasts larger!?" asked his wife.

"Why not?" says the husband, "It worked on your ass!"

[Stido]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A large black man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done, "the genie said."And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

[Thommo]

Ur slippin Stido !!

Famous Quotes...........

" Sometimes when I reflect back on all the Beer I drink, I feel shame. Then I look into the stubby and think about the workers in the Brewery and all their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this Beer, they might be out of work and all their hopes and dreams shattered. Then I say to myself, It is better that I drink this Beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my Ulcers "

Thommo.

" To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group, Savation in a Stubby "

Stido

[Bomber]

RESTROOM TRIP POLICY

Notice to Employees:

A Restroom Trip Policy (RTP) will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for eaching empoyee's restroom time and ensuring equal opportunity for all empoyees.

Under this policy a 'Restroom Trip Bank' (RTB) will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty (20) RTB credits.

* These credits may be accumulated indefinately.
* Within two weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms will be equipped with personnel indentification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition devices.
* Each employee must provide two copies of voice prints - one normal and one under stress.
* Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during the initial introduction period.
* If an empoyee's RTB balance reaches zero, the doors to the restroom will not unlock for that empoyee's voice until the first of the next month.
* In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors and pressure sensitive seats. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the sounding of the alarm, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will automatically flush and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.
* The picture will then be psoted on the bulletin board and the first of no more than two official warnings will be issued. If a person's picture appears for a third time, it will be grounds for immediate termination.
* All supervisors have received advanced training on this policy. If you have any questions, please ask your supervisor.

*********

The Rules

1. The Female always makes The Rules.
2. The Ruels are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male is making some sense of The Ruels, she will immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If the Female says or does something that could be interpreted as being wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be upset or angry at any time
11. The Male must remain calm at all times unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstance let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.
14. The Male who doesn't apply by The Rules, obviously can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.
15. It is the duty of the Female to regualrly remind the Male that he obviously can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.
16. Any attempt by the Male to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
17. At no time can the Male make such comments as 'Insignificant' and 'Is that all?' when the Female is complaining.

Special Rule: If the Female has PMS, all Rules are null and void...

[Bomber]

Yes, it is a wonderful moment when you become a parent for the first time. That little bundle of joy is all yours and is going to mean so much to you.

That little bundle is also going to turn your life upside down! Here's a few tests that will put your right under the pump and prepare you for parenthood:

Car Test
Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a pencil. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size tub of deep fried chips. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sets of doors. Now, after 200,000 kilometres and a second engine, try to trade it in.

Dressing Test
Obtain one large, unhappy, live giant squid. Stuff it inot a small net bag, at all times making sure that all the arms stay inside.

Stink Test
Smear honey, [peanut butter and soy sauce on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick and a hermit crab behind the couch and leave them there for the entire summer.

Feeding Test
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soogy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be a helipcopter. Now dump half of the contents of the jug over your head and the rest on the floor.

Ingenuity Test
Take a toilet paper tube. Turn it into an Easter candle.
Use only sticky tape and a piece of foil. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into a happy rhino.
Take a milk carton, an empty box of Coco Pops, a ping-pong ball, and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Landmine Test
Get a giant box of Lego. Get your partner to spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Endeavour to walk to the kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

Night Test
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with four kilograms of sand. Soak it throuhgly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and um with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down tyour bag and set your alarm for 10:0pm. Get up, pick up your bag and sign every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and ting these until 4:00am. Set the alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up four five years. Look happy.

Physical Test for Men
Go to the nearest chemist. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the shop assistant to help herself. Now proceed to the nearest supermarket. Go to the office and arrange for your salary to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a race guide. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Physical Test (Women)
Take a large beanbag and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for nine months. Now remove 10 of the beans. Try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

Shopping Test
Borrow one or two small animals, such as goats, ferrets or Tasmaian devils, and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Warn-Off Test
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their method of bringing their child up, including patience, discipline, table manggers and toilet training. Enjoy this expereience, as it will be the last time you will have all the answers.

*********

Dear Dad,

Univer$ity i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ here in Town$ville and am $tudying very hard.

With all my $tuff, I $imply can't thing of anything I need. $o, if you like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, your $on.


Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOurs student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

*********

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

[Yayarg]

12 Shots

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks." So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back as fast as he could, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast." The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got." The bartender says, "What've you got?" The guy says, "75 cents."

[The_Darkhorse]

Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.

[The_Darkhorse]

Q. Did you hear about the blind circumcicionist?
A. He got the sack.

[nq_gurl]

Q. Did you hear about the blind circumcicionist?
A. He got the sack.

lmao! :thumbright: how many of you fellas are grimacing in pain at the moment?

[The_Darkhorse]

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

[The_Darkhorse]

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

[The_Darkhorse]

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

[Stido]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "Manhood". With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, the vibrator and your brother!"

[Stido]

A little old lady is walking down the street in downtown Thuringowa, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot at Dairy Farmers Stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

OK own up Beave, Ianc, NQboy, Roo & all you others is all your tackle still in place or have you fallen victim to this little old ladies scam?

[nq_gurl]

A little old lady is walking down the street in downtown Thuringowa, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot at Dairy Farmers Stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

OK own up Beave, Ianc, NQboy, Roo & all you others is all your tackle still in place or have you fallen victim to this little old ladies scam?

i love it!!!!!

[leesee]

a bloke is at a restaurant. he finally decides what he wants to order. the waitress comes over, and he says 'can i get a quickie?'. the waitress immediately slaps him over the back of the head (just like bobo's mum - fat pizza style) and storms off. another waitress comes over and he asks 'can i get a quickie?'. she smacks him across the face and leaves. a waiter comes over this time. the man says 'can i get a quickie?'. the waiter leans over and says 'it's quiche'

[Ianc]

A little old lady is walking down the street in downtown Thuringowa, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot at Dairy Farmers Stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

OK own up Beave, Ianc, NQboy, Roo & all you others is all your tackle still in place or have you fallen victim to this little old ladies scam?

She's got me twice.....still above average though :tongue:

[Stido]

LITTLE BILLY ON .... GETTING OLDER

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." "Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own f@#*ing business!!"

[Stido]

LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little BILLY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

[Stido]

LITTLE BILLY ON... MATHS:

Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father."

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.

"But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f@#*ing difference?" asks the father?

"That's what I said!" said Billy

[Stido]

LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:

Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."

Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

[Stido]

LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just f@#*ing beautiful." :clown:

[Thommo]

LOL Stido................By the way I was just wondering if your nickname when you were little was " Billy " ??

[Stido]

LOL Stido................By the way I was just wondering if your nickname when you were little was " Billy " ??

How did you know that?????????? lol

[Thommo]

Just reminds of a kid a few grades above me at school...LOL

[Stido]

Just reminds of a kid a few grades above me at school...LOL

Hey Thommo, my grade 9 maths teacher grabbed me by the throat, dragged me over a table & threw me outside. After standing by the door for about 15 minutes I was sent to the headmaster. :blackeye:

[Thommo]

I remember getting my scone split open by the science teacher, year 9 also, with one of the old meter long black board rulers, and having 5 stitches inserted to sew it up....and all I did was spear his stupid pair of goldfish with my clutch pencil.....took me all of big lunch to land the last bastard !!

Revenge was sweet though, we played a students v teachers league match in tear 10 and I caught him with a beautifully timed elbow which sent him sprawling and he needed 7 stitches to sew up the split in his forehead.
They won the match though, and it was never proven that I did it on purpose........Scrums in those days were awsome.

[Stido]

I remember getting my scone split open by the science teacher, year 9 also, with one of the old meter long black board rulers, and having 5 stitches inserted to sew it up....and all I did was spear his stupid pair of goldfish with my clutch pencil.....took me all of big lunch to land the last bastard !!

Revenge was sweet though, we played a students v teachers league match in tear 10 and I caught him with a beautifully timed elbow which sent him sprawling and he needed 7 stitches to sew up the split in his forehead.
They won the match though, and it was never proven that I did it on purpose........Scrums in those days were awsome.

:hello1: :hello1: :hello1: :cheers: :salute:

My fill in grade seven teacher got me fair & square in the scone with a wooden blackboard duster, then dragged me by my ear to the front of the class & then banged my head into the blackboard because she caught me feeding the fish with those little rolled up bits of rubber that you get when you rub something out. She was a tough old bitch.

Gotta luv those old school days!

[Thommo]

If I had of known ya back then I would started ya fishing career for ya...albiet spear fishin !!

Gettin harder to remember those days though Stido, but every once in awhile some old fart says something that jogs the memory !! LOL

[Yayarg]

Dirty Riddles
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

[Ianc]

Just reminds of a kid a few grades above me at school...LOL

Hey Thommo, my grade 9 maths teacher grabbed me by the throat, dragged me over a table & threw me outside. After standing by the door for about 15 minutes I was sent to the headmaster. :blackeye:

That wouldn't have been Rocky "the human chimney" by any chance?

[Yayarg]

Keeping up with Tiger

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband. "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no surprise in this day and age." >

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with another guy." > > >

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah, the wife says."

The husband thinks about it. "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then made passionate love.

When they're finished, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm going to call room service for some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife for a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" The wife asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to phone room service to order some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that," The wife says niggedly.

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

Thee guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.

When they finish, he's gasping for air and glistening with sweat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No!" he says. "I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what par is for this damn hole."

[Thommo]

LOL Yayarg ! :salute:

[Stido]

Just reminds of a kid a few grades above me at school...LOL

Hey Thommo, my grade 9 maths teacher grabbed me by the throat, dragged me over a table & threw me outside. After standing by the door for about 15 minutes I was sent to the headmaster. :blackeye:

That wouldn't have been Rocky "the human chimney" by any chance?

No, Jarrett.

[nq_gurl]

whats goin on stido .... no jokes today?

[Stido]

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties, he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

[Thommo]

He told us one on the follow me thread....................somethin about catching a nice cod........I wonder if Mrs Stido took it out of the Matchbox before she cooked it ??

[nq_gurl]

lol thommo

[Stido]

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc . On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And the guy says," I'm green with NV". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as? "She replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party.

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street like that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!" Paddy replies, "Well, O'im fokin discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair" :cheers:

[leesee]

that, my friend, is an absolute ripper. i love mick and paddy jokes. has made my day.

that joke just reminded me of something stupidly irish my mum said the other day...
'i've been here just as long as you have but you've been here longer'. stupid bloody micks. can't tell she's irish from that comment now can you

[Thommo]

Knowing Stido i'll regret this but , Thommo's Old man was an Irishman............

[The_Darkhorse]

not suprising

[Thommo]

not suprising

Atleast I know WHO my Old man was........................ :tongue:

[Stido]

Knowing Stido i'll regret this but , Thommo's Old man was an Irishman............

Can't hold that against you Thommo, the Irish make the best Whiskey around. I bloody luv Irish Whiskey, ya gotta drink it neat tho. None of this mixing it with anything crap. Unless you mix it with more Irish Whiskey.

[Stido]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and argles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of god's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.

[Thommo]

Lol Stido

ps Tullamore Dew on the rocks :cheers:
pps as for Sylvester......there's hope for me yet !!

[Stido]

Lol Stido

ps Tullamore Dew on the rocks :cheers:
pps as for Sylvester......there's hope for me yet !!

Ice waters it down, put the bottle in the freezer & drink it that way if you prefer it cold.

[Thommo]

With my memory it would explode all over everything........................mmmmmn maybe that's not such a bad thing............ :cheers:

[Stido]

With my memory it would explode all over everything........................mmmmmn maybe that's not such a bad thing............ :cheers:

Spirits don't freeze Thommo. You could leave it in there 'til the bottles empty, which probably wouldn't be that long anyway.

[Thommo]

Mine never last long enough to go into the freezer...............it's only the bloody stubbies that I tend to forget after I start on the JD that explode............but not as frequently these days. :thumbright:

[Stido]

Thommo was telling me about his last birthday. It went something like this...

Thommo works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing touch footy at the park. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she took him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greeted them and said, "Hey, Thommo! How ya doin?" His wife was puzzled and asked if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," said 'ol Thommo innocently. "He's on my bowling team."

When they were seated, a waitress asked Thommo if he'd like his usual and brought over a XXXX.

His wife was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and said,"How did she know that you drink XXXX?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then came over to their table, threw her arms around Thommo, started to rub herself all over him and said "Hi Thommo. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Thommo's wife, now furious, grabbed her purse and stormed out of the club. Thommo followed and spotted her getting into a cab.

Before she could slam the door, he jumped in beside her. Thommo then tried desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife was having none of it. She was screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

That's when then cabby turned his head and said, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Thommo."

[nq_gurl]

Screwing All Night

It's the spring of 1957, and Bobby's ready to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he gets to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw. She'd screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

[nq_gurl]

Wrong Number

Man calls home.
Maid answers phone.
He says, "Can I speak to my wife?"
She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend."
He's maid--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both."
Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok."
5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?"
He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home."
She says, "We don't have a pool."
He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"

[nq_gurl]

Widower Playing Golf

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

[nq_gurl]

Karate Dog

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.

The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.

Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"

The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."

"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.

The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.

The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.

"I'll take him," he says.

When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."

"Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!"

[Stido]

lol nq gurl. Did you swallow a joke book last night?

[Stido]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[Stido]

What's the fastest thing.............

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked: "What is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye that's a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. "It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB..................

[Stido]

It's funny how Thommo told us all that his dad is Irish but didn't tell us about the pact he's got with his brothers. Let me fill you in........

An Irishman (Thommo's bro) walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after you draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for meself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains,"it's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. 'Hasn't affected me brothers a bit though."

See, so 'ol Thommo hasn't got a drinking problem he's just keeping the tradition going. You gotta luv those Irish.

[Yayarg]

A man walks into a bar and winks at a pretty girl at the other end "bartender", he says, "I'd like to buy that lady a drink." "Don't do it," the bartender says, "She's a lesbian." "You're crazy," he said, "She's beautiful and she winked back." So the bartender gives her the drink. A minute later she moves down and thanks the gentleman.

"Bartender," he says, "Give the lady another drink." "I'm warning you," the bartender says as he hands her the drink. After she finishes this drink she asks if he would like to see her breast. "YES!!!" he says and the woman lifts her blouse.

After the next drink, and another warning from the bartender, she takes his hand and asks, "Would you like to touch my ass?" The gentleman replies "OH, YES!!!, DEFINITELY!!!" So he sits with his hand on her bottom and asks for another drink.

The bartender, thoroughly impressed by now and convinced he was wrong in his judgement obliges. After this she asks "Are you ready to taste a hot, wet, sweet pussy?" "THANK YOU GOD!!!" the man exclaims, and then "YES!!!!!!!" At this the attractive lady grabs him by his tie pulls him close, kisses him and says, "Hope you enjoyed!"

[Yayarg]

This one is appparently a true story...

This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to: thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. He wanted to thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything , he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F--- you," he turned to the bride and said **** you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for the 300 guest wedding and reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And best of all, trashing the bride and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc. This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world, we just live in it. Love ya work, mate!

[Yayarg]

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 10 o'clock news together. The current news was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The situation cut to a commercial.
Brunette: "I'll bet you $20 he's going to jump."
Blonde: "Okay."
(then back to the newscast.)
He jumps.
Blonde: "Okay, here's my $20."
Brunette: "No, that was too easy, I can't take your money."
Blonde: "I insist. I lost!"
Brunette: "I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6 o'clock news and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a fair bet."
Blonde: "I saw the exact same newscast, but I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump twice!"

[Yayarg]

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

[Stido]

Thommo's wife was helping him set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

Thommo was in a rather humorous mood (as he usually is) and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was keying in. "P....E....N....I....S.."

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH**** *

[Thommo]

LOL Stido, sounds like the voice of experience there Old mate. :tongue:

[Thommo]

My shot Stido.........................

Once upon a time a Blow fly named Stido was flying around a paddock in Ayr when he happened upon a nice large pile of cow manure..............

So he flew down to the irrresistable delicacy and began to pig out.........

He ate.....

And ate......

And ate some more..........

Until he had his fill...........

He tried to fly off but alas he had eaten too much and could not get off the ground............

He looked around for a way out of this uncomfortable situation...........

And spotted a digging fork stuck into the ground a short distance away.......

He thought if he climbed to the top and launched himself he could become airborne again..............

So he climbed and climbed untill he reached the top........

He spread his tiny little wings and jumped..............

With disasterous consequences............

Splat..............

The moral of this story.....................


Never fly off the handle when you know you are full of **** !!!! :tongue:

[leesee]

i don't really have any more jokes to contribute, but i have been listening to a hell of a lot of kevin bloody wilson lately

'i've been everywhere man, i've been everywhere man, i've been to migatharra, migatharra, migatharra, migatharra, migatharra, jail, hospital, migatharra, jail, jail, hospital, migatharra, jail, hospital, jail, hospital, migatharra, yeah, i've been everywhere man'. good old nigel from the crackatinnee tribe

[Stido]

lol Thommo.

[nq_gurl]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."Flustered, he said "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it."

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

[Stido]

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master Bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"

"Hummmmm, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. Make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you"

The husband begins to tell his story . . .

"While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenceless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days.

With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devoured them.

Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . . . .

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"

[Abigeus]

What do you call two greeks, a chinese, and three aboriginals?

A Sprinkler!

nick nick, chink, nigganigganigga! :bom:

[Jordan]

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty five year olds?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because there are twenty of them.

[Stido]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two Prostitutes and take
them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression
is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little
friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ONE, TWO,THREE...UUH!"
all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did It go?" The
first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an
erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's
embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."

[#CowboyDavid]

A question for you all.

A man is wearing black.


Black shoes, socks, trousers, jumper, gloves, balaclava & dark sunnies.


He is walking down a black street with all the street lights off.


A black car is coming towards him with it's lights off too but still manages to stop in time.


How did the driver see the man?

[Stido]

It's daytime.....

[#CowboyDavid]

Well done Stido.

[#CowboyDavid]

John's mother had four children.

The first was April, the 2nd was May, the 3rd was June.

What was the name of her 4th child?

[Stido]

John

[#CowboyDavid]

You're on the ball today Stido. Not enought beer yet heh?

[Yayarg]

Successful Job Applicant


An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" Pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied "A THOUGHT. It pops into your head. There's n o forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

And now you sir? He asked the second man. "Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed," as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant." TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." He said.

Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question. "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man."

You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom.! But, be fore I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had **** in my pants! He got the job!

[The_Darkhorse]

You Know It's Time To Diet When....

1. You dance and it makes the band skip.

2. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

3. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

4. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

5. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

6. You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

7. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

8. You could sell shade.

9. Your blood type is Ragu.

10. You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.

[The_Darkhorse]

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

The question that everyone has been dying to know...Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was historically inevitable.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives calledinto question.

MOSES: and God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but also will lay eggs, file your import documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chicken, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such ways that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon you frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road, it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

[Stido]

An old cowboy sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian! I spend my whole day just thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian!" :clown:

[Stido]

Thommo, being the big Cowboy supporter that he is has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Thommos wife looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Thommo storms off into the bathroom, undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"

Thommos wife looks up and says, "Thommo, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Thommo yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!"

To which Thommos wife replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Thommo. Shoulda bought a hat." :tongue:

[Yayarg]

A public servant, was on his way home from work in Canberra when the traffic came to a dead halt and he thought to himself, "This is unusual." He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?" The officer replied, "The Prime Minister is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a collection for him." The public servant asks, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies, "About 200 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

[Stido]

Things could have been so different.......

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then, Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history......................

If only Adam had not been a Cheapskate!

[Stido]

Gee old people can get cranky....

Little Old Lady in court......

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I hadn't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the little bastard!

[Mr XXXX]

Thommo, being the big Cowboy supporter that he is has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Thommos wife looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Thommo storms off into the bathroom, undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"

Thommos wife looks up and says, "Thommo, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Ya slippin Stido !!


Geez Stido...ya startin ta slip Ol mate !

Furious, Thommo yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!"

To which Thommos wife replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Thommo. Shoulda bought a hat." :tongue:

[Stido]

Thommo, being the big Cowboy supporter that he is has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Thommos wife looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Thommo storms off into the bathroom, undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"

Thommos wife looks up and says, "Thommo, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Ya slippin Stido !!

Geez Stido...ya startin ta slip Ol mate !

Furious, Thommo yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!"

To which Thommos wife replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Thommo. Shoulda bought a hat." :tongue:

:scratch: :scratch: You on the sauce today 'ol fella?

[Bernster]

John's mother had four children.

The first was April, the 2nd was May, the 3rd was June.

What was the name of her 4th child?

Uh, July

[Stido]

John's mother had four children.

The first was April, the 2nd was May, the 3rd was June.

What was the name of her 4th child?

Uh, July

hahahahahaha, I'll leave a comment to you dgsar1. :silent:

[leesee]

hahahahaha stido. i was waiting for someone to say it

[The_Darkhorse]

hahahahahahahahaha only a woman could come up with that answer

[Mr XXXX]

Thought you would have been first in with it Black Beauty !!!

[Stido]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met with Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"
She replied, "'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."

[Stido]

A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah for counselling.

The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah ho Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"Allah ho Akbar! No problem," says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah ho Akbar. Go for it!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Allah ho Akbar!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! Allah ho Akbar!"

"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. Allah ho Akbar!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the Mullah."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Because that could lead to dancing."

[leesee]

hahahahaha. nice one stido.

this joke reminds me of my mum. bloody irish.

one day, an irishman decided he'd blow up a bus. he suffered 3rd degree burns to his lips

[Thommo]

Good stuff Stido n Leesee........

Speaking of Muslims, I hope we don't get in the **** for racist jokes, but what the hell.
What's the difference between Australian blow up dolls and Muslim blow up dolls ????

Muslim ones blow themselves up !!

[Stido]

Good stuff Stido n Leesee........

Speaking of Muslims, I hope we don't get in the **** for racist jokes, but what the hell.
What's the difference between Australian blow up dolls and Muslim blow up dolls ????

Muslim ones blow themselves up !!

hahahahahah, that's bloody funny Thommo. By the way, send Osama around here if there's a problem with our jokes. I'll give him some of me home brew, it'll be sweet.

Speaking of stills, how's yours coming along. You're not building the Harbour Bridge you know!

[leesee]

speaking of osama.....never ever ever ring 013 (or whatever the telstra directory is) and ask for osama. a friend of ours, he's a powder monkey (for those who don't know, he blows **** up for a living), and his son (who has ADD) rang up 013 asking for bin laden. this kid had a friend over and was involved also. this kids father is a pilot. after the phonecall was made, the AFP (australian federal police) were on their doorstep within half an hour, trying to make an arrest of some sort.

[leesee]

well, i found this in an email from someone

Q: Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
A: She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

[leesee]

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"
"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

[leesee]

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."

[leesee]

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

[Stido]

A blonde's Year in Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my Jeep in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 and a half days - instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

[leesee]

oh my god. end of story. that's awesome, but i know a blonde who is exactly like that

[Thommo]

LOL Stido
The Still is on hold for a while. I'm not much chop with a welder and my my mate was to busy over Xmas to help out. He went back to work last week so I won't see him again for another month. Don't panic Stido, there is no way in hell my fridge/bar will run dry before the still is complete anyway. :thumbright:

[nq_gurl]

im thinking that a few of this will enjoy this ...

Several months ago, scientists at Europe's annual Human Reproduction conference suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the thoery, 100 men were fed six pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100 per cent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.

- No further testing is planned.

[Stido]

ENTERTAINMENT NIGHT AT THOMMO'S SENIOR CENTRE.........!!!!!!!

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.

It's a very special watch.

It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"****!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior centre.

[Thommo]

Lol guys ! and Stido, incontinence is wonderfull thing at the best of times, perhaps you should explain how you deal with it !! :tongue:

[Stido]

Lol guys ! and Stido, incontinence is wonderfull thing at the best of times, perhaps you should explain how you deal with it !! :tongue:

You go & sit as close as you can to someone else (preferably on their lap) so as to share the experience. Can't keep something that good to yourself. :thumbright:

[Stido]

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".

She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

[Thommo]

Lol guys ! and Stido, incontinence is wonderfull thing at the best of times, perhaps you should explain how you deal with it !! :tongue:

You go & sit as close as you can to someone else (preferably on their lap) so as to share the experience. Can't keep something that good to yourself. :thumbright:

You better make damn sure you go before we get into your boat because if anything strange lands in my lap, only one of us will come back................

[Stido]

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitalia inside.Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my genitalia unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured in unanimous approval.

Steve stood up on the bar,dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and he removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

Steve stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up...

"I'll try it! Just don't hit me too hard with the beer bottle." :silent:

[Thommo]

LOL Stido !

[Stido]

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

[Stido]

Thommo walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."

'Ol Thommo certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender.

So Thommo gives him the $10, and the bartender drops it into the Jar.

"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do. First you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila... the whole thing, all at once... and you can't make a face while doing it. "Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

Thommo is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things...."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and our man Thommo has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon all the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, and then... silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar,
with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?" :pale:

[Thommo]

MWHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHA...That's the best yet !!!

I surrender :notworthy:

[Stido]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please! ," says one.

The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?

[Stido]

A woman in her fifties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift. Of course the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I have turned the knob many times and have been very pleased with the results. But now, I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee!"

[Thommo]

LoL Stido ....I'll show the missus that one and then next time she asks me to help check for lumps I'll pat her on the head......should be worth a smack in the mouth....LOL

[leesee]

oh boys these are hilarious. keep 'em coming!

[Stido]

Anagrams

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

[Stido]

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk named leesee who likes to wear very short skirts and thong knickers.

One day a young man nicknamed Gold Coast Cowboy Kid enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof)and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," GCCK says politely.

Leesee nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf.

GCCK standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.

As leesee retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers named Ianc notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.

Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below

She notices an elderly man named Thommo standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, leesee yells at Thommo, "Is it raisin for you too?"

No," stammers 'ol Thommo, "but it's a quiverin' " :king:

[Thommo]

Yeah yeah Stido Bloody funny Ol mate !
So this is what you do in between batches is it ?? think up OL' Thommo jokes ?? It used to be Jacki jacki, then Irish jokes and now everywhere I go soon I'll hear " Did ya hear the one about Ol' Thommo? "............

Ur gonna get me impounded for belting someone or even worse I'll turn into an old Hermit !! :scratch:

Just like you... :tongue:

[Stido]

Yeah yeah Stido Bloody funny Ol mate !
So this is what you do in between batches is it ?? think up OL' Thommo jokes ?? It used to be Jacki jacki, then Irish jokes and now everywhere I go soon I'll hear " Did ya hear the one about Ol' Thommo? "............

Ur gonna get me impounded for belting someone or even worse I'll turn into an old Hermit !! :scratch:

Just like you... :tongue:

I'm sure you'll survive ol' fella! :clown:

[leesee]

bahahahahaha. i've been immortalised in a stupid joke. i love it. a little embarrassed to be honest stido, but that's ok. just then, whilst going for my daily run/heartattack, i had a few blokes wave, barp the horn and whistle at me. dude...footy shorts aren't THAT hot

[Thommo]

They probably thought it was Carl Webb................whoops did I say that....LOL

[leesee]

thommo....i am deeply offended. i've been reduced to tears, you stupid old fart lol. besides, i don't wear league footy shorts. i'm a canterbury girl all the way. couldn't have been mistaken for webb. maybe george smith lol

[Thommo]

thommo....i am deeply offended. i've been reduced to tears, you stupid old fart lol. besides, i don't wear league footy shorts. i'm a canterbury girl all the way. couldn't have been mistaken for webb. maybe george smith lol


Ok Canterbury then.................so maybe they thought you was Mark O'Meley........LOL

[leesee]

yeah...nice one foolio. let's try canterbury, as in rugby union shorts. i have too much hair to resemble mark o'meley anyway lol. like i said, george smith maybe